Marriage

I was recently celebrating my best friend’s wedding, and I am always happy to see folks embark on this new journey in life. But I am usually left thinking after the ceremony, especially when the Priest says “What God has put together, let no man separate.”
(Matthew 19:6)

Initially this verse gives you an image of some kind of boogeyman/homewrecker tiptoeing in the shadows, ready to wreak havoc on your marriage, but it is usually not an outside source that separates us, it is often that WE are the cause of separation in marriage.

Little separations such as plugging in to your phone and not reaching out to your husband.

Or perhaps not fully engaging into conversation because you’re holding on to past resentment.

Or simply not having your energy directed towards your spouse and your family.

These little separations, although they may seem innocuous, build up over time and sever the bonds that make a marriage strong.

But what if I told you that your marriage can be awesome. And what if I told you that you could be happy in your relationship. If you’re experiencing trouble in your marriage right now, this may seem like a far fetch idea. And especially when you’re going through the throes of it there may seem like there is no end in sight, but there are ways to make your marriage flourish.

I often preach self-love and self-growth, because when you understand yourself, and you understand what triggers you, you can stop unhealthy mental patterns before they start and before they gnaw at the bonds of your relationship.

Healthy communication skills with your spouse, will allow you to, without fear of judgment, divulge on your feelings. We are such intricate folks with a variety of emotions that change with the wind so having the ability to share how you are feeling will allow you to work out the kinks and any issues you may have.

Yadda yadda self-love, communication skills. I know this all sounds like mumbo jumbo advice you give to someone about having a healthy marriage. So below I give you some real life exercises that I employ to make my marriage as strong as it could be.

Practicing Gratitude Towards Your Spouse

We take a busy role in our lives as a spouse and as a parent. And often, our duties go without praise. But what if we changed that? What if we were outspoken about our gratitude towards our spouse? You may say, oh my husband never thanks me when I cook, or when I clean, why should I thank him about anything?

I can understand why someone may not want to give praise to their spouse because they have never been on the receiving end of it, but I am a firm believer on the thought that THE LOVE YOU GIVE IS THE LOVE YOU RECEIVE.

So why not change the environment in your household? Make a note on all the things you are grateful for that your spouse does and share it with them!

Below is a few things off a list I made a few months back:

• Thank you for always taking out the trash and bringing it back in
• Thank you for picking up the dead rat that was outside and tossing it lol
• Thank you for taking the boys to school

The gratitude and praise will work both ways, and you will find yourself so happy to fill the roles that make your family whole.

Mindfulness

Knowing your thought process and how you speak will really go a long way in maintaining a strong marriage.

I got together recently with friends, and while we were conversing, my husband had said something that wasn’t correct. I just said oh no it’s this way, and corrected him.

My friend pulled me aside a week or so later and said, “Vianca if that was me and my husband said something wrong, I would’ve probably berated him and cussed him out, but you were just so sweet and calm about it all.”

And later I thought to myself, I think it is the default, to just put your spouse down, especially around your friends. So the golden rule of TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED rings so true. Treating your spouse kindly, particularly in front of others, will allow others to self-reflect, and maybe spark a change in their behavior. If we are truly mindful, we are able to eliminate any habits that could negatively affect our marriage and uplifting your spouse will have a tremendous effect around you.

Importance of Date Night

I love spending time with my husband, whether we are hiking Torrey Pines, walking the beach, or strolling around downtown. But, there is something special about dressing up and going out in the evening.

Your marriage will benefit greatly from a date night, even if its just once a month!

I liken date nights to a checkpoint in a video game. Date nights become the culmination of all the wildness that occurs in your day to day life, and you get to put a pause on all that craziness and just come together and reflect on it all. And when you have kids, boy, life gets crazy…in a good way 😉

I look back fondly on our date night memories, where we were enjoying amazing food while overlooking a San Diego sunset, and laughing till we had tears falling down our face. A key to a strong family is a happy marriage, so when you get that time to connect with your spouse, it reminds you in your day to day life that you guys are a unit and can conquer anything.

Find Ways to Fall in Love with Your Spouse

I read a quote once that said “A successful marriage is falling in love with the same person many times.”

We are ever changing folks. And the person we married on the altar is probably a different person today, and likewise the same for us.

Shifting your focus and finding new ways to fall in love with your spouse, will have your marriage flourishing with love.

I am only seven years into my marriage, so to a seasoned veteran, I may seem like I’m speaking too prematurely. But I believe that in any relationship, if you want to work on it, and you want to make it the best possible relationship ever, it will THRIVE. And despite what Hollywood tells us, or what the trends are in society, marriage can still be a wonderful thing.

If we were to visualize a timeline from your wedding day till the day we pass away, there are definitely going to be some times where we are unhappy in our marriage. But if we are to believe that it was God that brought us together, we are also aware that He will bring obstacles to us, not to separate us, but to make our bond even stronger.

What are the ways you make your marriage stronger?

-Vianca Joy