Infidelity

I’ve been hesitating to write on this since it is a bit controversial. But because I hear so frequently about couples breaking up or dealing with issues due to infidelity, I had to shed some light on this topic.

When someone cheats or has an affair, they are usually ridiculed, talked badly about, and for some reason the intimate details of their affair becomes public.

I don’t agree with any of the above and frankly, I think the ostracization of these individuals should stop. So, let me preface this article by saying I do not judge (it is not my place) but, I just really wanted to understand infidelity.

What draws a married person into an illicit affair? And I’m not talking about the why. Which, in short, is usually because of sex or emotional validation, but the how. How does someone go from point A of being friends with someone to point B crossing over into a physical affair? And in turn how do you protect yourself and your marriage from what seems like an inevitable outcome these days?

In my research, I came across a book titled “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” by Dr. Shirley Glass (1936-2003).

Dr. Shirley Glass is a psychologist and a licensed marriage and family therapist. She studied relationships for over 25 years and The New York Times referred to her as “godmother of infidelity research.”

Dr. Glass defines infidelity as any emotional or sexual intimacy which violates trust. In her book, she shared a surprising statistic that at least one or both parties in 50% of marriages will break their vows of sexual or emotional exclusivity in the lifetime of their marriage.

In summary of her research below are facts about infidelity:

1. A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.
2. The person having the affair may not be giving enough at home rather than not getting enough.
3. It is normal to be attracted to another person, but fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that other person is a danger sign.
4. Flirting is crossing the line because it is an invitation that indicates receptivity.
5. Infidelity is not only about love or sex—it’s about maintaining appropriate boundaries with
   others and being open and honest in your committed relationship.
6. You do not have to have sexual intercourse to be unfaithful. Passionate kissing is a violation of your commitment to your partner.

Dr. Glass explains how platonic friendships and workplace relationships are gradually turning into emotional affairs. Once boundaries are crossed of sharing emotional intimacies, that are usually reserved for the husband and wife, the party has taken a step closer to the “slippery slope.”

Some examples of crossing the boundaries of emotional intimacies include:

• Confiding more to your friend than your partner about how your day went
• Discussing negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage to your friend, but not with your partner
• Not being open with your partner about the involvement with your friend

Quality friendships are important to a fulfilling life. And you may be saying, “I confide to my friends about a lot, and I sometimes rant about what happens in my marriage to them,” but there are clear distinctions between a friendship and one that is bordering on the edges of an emotional affair.

What separates a platonic friendship from a romantic emotional affair?

• Secrecy– When you hide meetings or interactions with your “friend”
• Emotional Intimacy– When there is more companionship, intellectual sharing and understanding in the friendship than in the marriage
• Sexual Chemistry– Fantasizing about what your sexual relationship would be like

If your “friendship” has all of these factors, you’re having an emotional affair and there is nowhere for it to go but the physical. In order to preserve your marriage, breaking this off is imperative. Or at the very least, putting up strong boundaries. The road to recovery after infidelity is long and difficult, but will be easier if you put a stop to it before it crosses over to inappropriate territory.

Questioning yourself on why you are turning to others for an emotional connection may help you address the issues that you are having with your spouse.

In our busy lives and with constant pulls from every direction, we often lose sight of our spouses. Reconnecting with your spouse and investing energy into your marriage will only benefit you and make the commitment you made to each other that much stronger.

-Vianca Joy

Glass, S. P. (2004). Not ‘just friends’: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.